?

Log in

Amybaby [userpic]

I must be growing up.

February 22nd, 2009 (01:39 am)

Have you ever had someone in your life, in your past, that really, really hurt you?  I'm not talking about a boyfriend or girlfriend.  I'm talking about someone like a bully, a class clown that made you their target, or even someone you desperately wanted to be friends with.  I'm talking about the friend that told you that you were fat because you had boobs and they didn't, the bully that staged actual events designed to humiliate you, and the kid that you told your secrets to that used them against you any way they could.

Well, maybe you didn't experience that, but for me, the bully, kid, and friend were all wrapped up in one person: S.S.

When I was a kid, I was hurt, humiliated, and teased by her and her tricks on a daily basis.  Yet, my self-esteem (and lack of parental involvement due to an impending divorce) was so low that I just wanted her to be nice to me.  Well, that and the fact that her parents and my parents were best friends, so our "friendship" was thrust upon us.

Anyway, lately I've been thinking about her a lot, and all the shit she put me through.  I'm not going to go into details, but this girl would think of elaborate plans involving both her friends and mine, spanning over weeks and weeks just to hurt me... and this continued to happen for years during our childhood.  When she found out my parents were finally divorcing and that I was moving, she sent me a letter saying that she was sorry that I was going through that, and to never contact her again.  So it went.

Since then she's gotten in contact with me a couple of times and never, ever brought up anything from the past.  She acted like we were best friends again.  I didn't say anything either, to be fair.  I would meet her for coffee, listen to her about her life, and then go on with my life.

Anyway, like I said, lately I've been thinking about her.  So, I got in touch with her on myspace... all ready to finally tell her how she hurt me and ask why the hell she made my life such hell, and I gave her my number.

She called me tonight.  I listened to her talk about her life, and her numerous health problems, and her family... and I realized that I suddenly didn't care about the past anymore.  It was like all that crap was suddenly washed away!  I didn't say a word about the past, and I didn't even feel like I needed to.  She has her own burdens, and she is not the same girl she was back then... and in that moment I knew neither was I.  I don't need to make her know how she hurt me, I just wish the best for her and her health.

I actually had a good time talking to her, and I instantly felt glad that I contacted her again. 

So, I faced one of my demons head on... just not in the way I always pictured I would.  And you know what?  I'm so happy that I did talk to her, and I suppose in that conversation I forgave her and I forgave myself.